If I Ain't Got You...

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I Love you!
From A Walk To Remember
Landon: Can you find this star, right here?
Jamie: Sure. So why am I looking for this star?
Landon: Because I had it named for you. See?
It's official. It's from the International Star Registry.
Jamie: This is wonderful... I love you.

Tina/poet/friend/singer/writer/ reader/dreamer/shopaholic/stargazer dancer/singer/crazy/cool/ complicated/lover/nocturnal/ sweet/nanny(to my nephew and niece...sometimes) listener/mallrat/sensual/ coffeeholic/brat

August 2002 September 2002 November 2002 December 2002 January 2003 April 2003 June 2003 March 2004 May 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 December 2005 September 2006

Joseph Fiennes In Indonesia
Etched In My Heart
Yummy Cook-out In Fabby Little Italy
Strawberry Banana Split Mcflurry
A Letter To My Boo
Passive Or Active?"
Puddle
Sometimes You Just Know
Just To Sometimes Be Hugged...Err..Just To Be Hugged Sometimes (lol!)
To Speak Thy Name
Wanna-be Photographer
The Trees Series
From Deep Within
Shy Babies
My Inspiration

Cleng
Crissy
Demented Vixen
Ederic
Fides
Irene
Joanne
Lilacstardust
Maan
Mano
Marc
Markie
Milei
Mylene Sarah
Peloy
Philippine Blog Awards
S3cr3tiv3
Trisha
Vikkicar

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Thursday, September 30, 2004

I hope he knows this is for him. But then on second thought...

BEING SO NOT FOR YOU (I HAD NO RIGHT
by P.M. Dawn

Why can't I keep you from the cold
Seem to know the different faces
No matter what road you travel on
You go through the darkest places

I can't tell the angels it'll be good
for you
But wanting to say blessed be the
darkness
For bringing the life through

But I'd be lying to myself

I had no right bringing you here
Knowing what I know, feeling the way
I feel
I had no right being so uncontent,
being so confused,
being so not for you

You're in love with all that you don't know
It animates your expectations
But what's the easiest way to hurt a man
Give him all he's ever wanted

Trying to tell the angels I don't
know what to do
While convincing myself to believe
all the sadness have purpose to
Make me hate this

I had no right bringing you here
Knowing what I know, feeling the
way I feel
I had no right being so uncontent,
being so confused,
being so not for you

And when you asked the angels to
make you a better you
Dream all you want
Cause all the light you occupy
they will try and take it all from
you

I had no right bringing you here
Knowing what I know, feeling the
way I feel
I had no right being so uncontent,
being so confused,
being so not for you.

Moonflower bloomed at 1:18 PM }

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

My Online Handles
( and why I chose them)

Moonflower of MTC

It is very poetic. The flower that blooms at night.
I also love the mooonflower scent of The Bodyshop. There. :)

~jewel~ of HPH

I also used this as my phone name when I was still in People Support. My other choices were Skye and ....oh I forgot the other one. Somebody was already using Skye so I wasn't able to use that. No problem, though. I love Jewel. It has something to do with her poetry. And her music,too. Like her though I have heard she can be a snob. Perhaps she has her reasons for being that way. Anyway, snob or not, who cares? It's not like we live in the same neighborhood. We don't even live in the same country. :D

Sensible Chic of Girltalk

I am a moderator there so this handle suits me fine.
I got it from watching Oprah. They had guests from the Home and Garden televisions tv show, Sensible Chic. I loved how they recreated the looks of high-end rooms and spending less than the "originals". Really smart. Thus, I was inspired to use Sensible Chic as my handle.

speedwoman

Well, I used this more for my e-mail address. It was inspired by Scott Speedman of the tv show Felicity. Did I mention he's my ex-boyfriend? Yup, that's right. What, you don't believe me? Well, that's what I expected. :D Just trying out how it would sound. lol!

Anyway, despite all the many handles I have used online and even on-air
being a radio fan (especially when I was in HS and college)rest assured that the person behind all of them are one and the same in everyway. Certain characteristics of mine are just drawn out of me more if I feel they go well with the situation at hand as well as with the traits/characteristics of the people in it.

Moonflower bloomed at 1:04 PM }

Monday, September 27, 2004

PUDDLE
( will you even get to read this?)

I was eating my lunch of skyflakes and luncheon meat (blech!) just minutes ago and this message comes thru YM and my cellphone: " Dont leave PLEASE. That much i know i WANT and NEED."

Uh oh...tears welling up! Reminds me of how good and at the same time difficult life can be. I mean, the struggle to keep things right and I don't think I am doing it well.

There is the battle to lose weight (well , I already have lost some but it is still ongoing) and eventually feel good about myself. Skyflakes is not exactly "fun" but I have to take it for all the times I just indulged and wallowed myself in things not healthy for me. And then, there you are as well. I care for you tremendously and I just wanna be happy for you and I love your ways , but they also tear me up inside. And I feel , if I love you and what you do there must be no ifs and buts about it. I know I cannot expect you to give yourself to me and me alone when there are a number of people out there who needs to be as blessed as I am. And the guilt of wanting you all to myself eats me up. I cannot hold you as tight I do.I don't want you to suffocate. I want you to breathe. I want you to fly.
So, the thought of leaving has occurred to me a number of times. I didn't even want to say it... like I would just slowly and quietky ease out of your life. But then I also think, I owe it to you and to the friendship to do it properly. Saying goodbye,I surmised, is for my own good as well as yours. If I will be selfish in loving you, is that even love? And where is the glory in getting what I want if the other person is being held back? So I told you as it is...that my strength to stay in your life is failing me. I wouldn't want to think of understanding it as work, because it isn't. But it does get to be difficult at times.

I absolutely didn't know how you would react, if you would even react at all. I took the leap, anyway. I just knew it would be worth it if it will make things alright.Since when did I care about doing the right thing? I don't know when, really. I just know I care.

Then your text messages came. Was that you pleading? I dunno. The words melted me, anyway. But as I said in reply, I guess I am not TOTALLY leaving but I do need to keep my emotions in check. I need time....and I need for you to understand. Somehow, I think you do.Thanks. In hindsight, I don't think I can really leave you and the good friendship we have inspite of me , you, and everything surrounding us. It is just a matter of tweaking some areas that need it. :)

And oh, I already told you of your missent text message, right? It was supposed to be for a common friend of ours. Geesh, you just had to squeeze that "mistake" in and make me smile. And then when I told you about it you gave me this reply " =S " which as I told I didn't understand. Silly you! But then, so am I.

Moonflower bloomed at 1:47 PM }

Sunday, September 26, 2004

PASSIVE OR ACTIVE?

There are two different ways to love, either you are active or passive about it. Past experiences (and present) tell me for sure I am more of the active one. I have to be able to let it all out there and have the world know. I don't hold myself back from loving if there is something to give. But I am learning that perhaps I must learn to love passively. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with keeping my feelings inside because I do wear my heart on my sleeves. You will just know when I am so into someone. But it does suck, at times. The next thing I know my feelings already has a life of its own.
It stays awake at night even when I need to sleep. It just keeps on ballooning and sometimes it is just way in my face and I’m in way over my head coz of his feeling. Whereas if I will be passive in loving, I will just be here and probably happy (?) just to see him smile. He can be charming the pants off anyone ( literally?) and I would be the contented and ever supportive ally to him. I would be loving him quietly in one corner without yearning for something in return. I just think that perhaps the more I give and et my love put there, the bigger the need for me to be loved back the way I want to be loved. I always tell myself I must not expect anything in return and I lie awake for most parts of every night convincing myself it is the right thing but whom am I kidding? It damn f*cking hurts. So I don’t know, yeah, I guess I would just give this passive kind of loving a try. So not me, I tell you. I might develop withdrawal symptoms from holding myself back and loving meekly. Imagine, no poems, no love songs, no text, no mushy expressions of love…. nada!

For once I would be loving sanely, my feet planted firmly on the ground, no need to snap me out of reverie and daydreaming.

But what is love if not sweet and exhilarating? What would be the sense in loving if one is holding back?

Uh oh…. can I manage this challenge I put myself in? Passive… ugh! Really so not me.